HOW TO MAKE HIM LEAVE THE JOB HE HATES

There he is, staggering in from work, dark circles round his eyes and his jaw tight with tension, and you think, "When, oh when, will he realise that this has to stop?" None of us feels like summoning up the energy to look for a new job or career when we're ground down by overwork and suppressed fury but you're desperate for him to realise that nothing (mortgage, impending gas bill, fear, pride) is worth this daily misery.

What can you do? Patience is all, says Gill Wilson of the career development organisation, CRAC. "You can spend hours talking to someone, thinking you're making headway, and it goes straight past them. People do things in their own time. They won't be able to see it through your glasses even if you're trying to save them pain. It's their career, and their business."

Once someone admits their job is a problem, the battle is already half won. "We believe that every individual has the tools within themselves to come up with the answers," says Kish Modasia of UK branch of the International Coach Federation. "Every individual is capable, wise and able. All a coach does is ask the right questions."

Until someone is prepared to take the next step, all you can do is listen. "Really active listening is very precious," says Gill Wilson. "Ask questions, and reflect back to your friend or partner the words they've used so that they can hear their own patterns and contradictions. This is really useful for someone who isn't yet ready to act."

None of us listens carefully enough, even in our closest relationships. Sometimes when a couple seeks professional help, says Phillip Hodson, the therapist is doing the job of an old-fashioned policeman directing the traffic. "When two people aren't listening to each other, the therapist stops the conversation, points to someone and says, 'Now it's your turn'."

Before you try to persuade anyone to do anything, listen to what they're saying. Maybe the real solution lies in the conversation you're about to have.

HOW TO MAKE HIM...
...STOP DRINKING
...GET MARRIED
...HAVE CHILDREN
...STOP SMOKING
...GO TO THE DOCTOR