This year I am going to learn to play the kettle drums and communicate with gorillas. Only kidding. But most of our new year's resolutions are no less unrealistic. What if, in 2006, we decided to limit our wish lists to the small lifestyle changes which might actually make a difference? How about forgetting the big, turnaround stuff and sticking to some simple dos and don'ts? For example...
DO cull your jeans collection. Face up to the fact that those stretch Juicy Coutures and the corset-tight Marc Jacobs pair you bought immediately after that bout of food poisoning are never going to work as well as the ones you actually wear.
DON'T tell people how tired you are. It is not a good idea to arrive at a dinner party and announce that you are "totally knackered". Ditto to accept an invitation for the weekend with the words, "God, I could do with two days in bed." Competitive tiredness has reached epidemic proportions and is both boring and rude. Stop moaning generally - it doesn't improve anyone's day. Consider, for one second, how pleasurable it is for someone to listen to your nanny changeover problems.
DO be a generous tipper, and a thoughtful present-giver. (We can tell when it's a hand-on or something from the bottom of the present drawer. Because why would it have occurred to anyone to buy us a boxed set of room sprays?) Also, don't be the person who has to buy one for themselves while they're at it. It's nice to get a pair of earrings but not quite so nice if the giver has the bigger pair, in both colours.
DON'T be in a hurry to tell everyone all about your life before you have found out about theirs.
DO make an effort every morning. Me, I can go for three months alternating between two pairs of jeans and four Gap T-shirts. This, however, is a shameful waste of our clothing rights. Resolve to wear skirts, boots and lipstick even on days when you're seeing no one.
DON'T be a slave to your mobile phone. Turn it off when you are meeting friends. Definitely turn it off when you are in bed. Never ever take it to the dinner table unless you are a doctor on call, or a mother of a sick child. And watch the texting. It has become quite normal for people to arrive at a social occasion and then text (with furrowed brow) for the next ten minutes. Plus, however innocent and work-related, there is something clandestine about texting that makes everyone feel Cheated On.
DO stop banging on about your children and what a trial it is being a mother. No one asked you to have them. Alternatively, if yours is the reverse problem, stop banging on about how unusual/ahead of their year/extraordinarily sensitive they are. Never utter the following, unless it is to the grandmother of said children: "It's hard because he wins at everything"; or "I dread the holidays. Why didn't someone warn me?"
DON'T eat bread in restaurants. You know you'll only regret it in the morning. Likewise, never shop with a hangover (this is the same as comfort eating, and just as dangerous); or get a haircut the day of the party (it's guaranteed you'll feel like Barbara Bush
on the night).
DO remember to include your parents in your life now and then. They don't ask for much and they did a reasonable job with you.
DON'T use your phobia of cooking as an excuse not to entertain. Order a takeaway. Get a girlfriend to come and rustle up the main course. Aim low. Cheat. You have to get past this if you want to show off your lovely life.
DO love-bomb your girlfriends. Just a phone call reminding them you miss them will do.
DON'T text or email your thanks after a social occasion. Entertaining is a sweat. Your hostess deserves more than "GR8 Party. Tks".
DO make this the year when you improve your knowledge of wine. You are too old not to remember whether you prefer Pinot Grigio or Sauvignon Blanc. Make a rule never to ask for the 'house white' again (or the one immediately underneath).
DON'T buy any more shoes you can't actually wear. Know your optimum heel height. How many times have you gone to put on those four inchers and realised you are transvestite tall? Try walking around in them for ten minutes. Yup, don't want to, do you?
DO break old habits. Go somewhere different on holiday. Vary your journey to work. Sticking to only what you know is a kind of imprisonment. But who cares about that - it's been scientifically proven that varying your routine promotes weight loss. Surprise yourself into a smaller size.
DON'T spend your life worrying about your weight. If it's an issue, eat smaller portions. The whole egg-whites-only-omelette mindset is so over. Don't read
French Women Don't Get Fat, just know that it's about saying no to seconds and leaving half the potatoes (and diet pills and smoking, probably, but that's another story).